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It's a longing I cannot explain. A deeper longing to be made complete. Like I thought I had already found the final peice of a puzzle, only to realise that what I once thought was the border of the scene that is my life, is nothing but a part of it and there is a whole larger picture to be made. Yet the peices that make up the larger picture of my life, also make up a part of another puzzle of someone else' life.

If only all the peices in all the puzzles fit together into one huge montage. Maybe that is what paradise will be like. In the mean time I will yearn for my own little fools paradise and live a blinkered existence in denying my longing for the bigger picture.

Oh Taylor I miss you!
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The Simon and Garfunkel song "The sound of silence" begins with the line "hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again"

Whilst this is a reference to Paul Simon's way of "getting away from it all" by sitting in darkness and playing guitar to himself... it perfectly sums up the emotional state depression takes you to. It's a cold place, I'd like to say a numb place... but it's not really numb... it's more aching. A physical pain or sickness which is born from nothing more than self loathing and ineptitude. It's not that you feel nothing of the world... it's that you envelope yourself in this one over-riding emotion that nothing else can get in or out. It's a cold chill which removes warmth from your life, it's a darkness which envelopes the light, it's a greyness which bleeds colour from the world, it's a silence which mutes the noise.

It doesn't last forever though. That's half the problem. You spend so long trying to feel, trying to pull youself back out of that rut, trying to pull colour from the gray, that you bring about a never ending cycle of manic depression. Those times you do feel something, it's like a sugar rush. You feel everything and you lavish it. You take those emotions, you take them and you run with them. Bulldozing your way through other people like a bull in a china shop. Floating on air and swimming in a sea of unbridled joy, till innevitably, all highs must end, and you eventually crash, and crash you do. Bringing everything down with a bang. No longer able to do anything but clutch at straws in the cold stream of your depression, waiting and hoping for the next swell of a tide to carry you away.

Sorry to everyone who's had to deal with the constant barage of crap from me. I don't deserve youn
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That's facebook, livejournal, ukfloof and MSN all deleted and or changed.


Because large parts of my life I wasn't in control of. Whether this will help any I don't know. But I don't want to be a slave to my own emotions any more.
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It seems that happiness has slipped out of my life. It's through no fault of anyone but myself. Those eloquant words I utter to others seem so hollow now. like the knelling of a church bell, once joyful in announcing a wedding, tonight it feels like a funeral. My happiness relied solely on distractions from feelings I keep locked deep inside, distractions based only on other people and the way I might be able to bring a little joy to their lives. Even though I don't ever have an effect, the illusion that I'm doing some good is enough to keep me going. Tonight I shattered this illusion. Tonight I let everything slide and it's crushed me in a way I didn't think imaginable. Tonight my true colours shine through and they're the colours of darkness. Light destroying blackness. This is all I have and it's all I can be.

There's about 100 painkillers downstairs. I'm finding less and less reasons why they can't all live up to their name.

I won't do it, I'm not that kind of person. But the fact I want to, is enough to scare me into removing myself from people's lives, before they see the crushing dissapointment that I am.
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Either my comment will make everyone think I'm an idiot... or it'll be ignored, or maybe... just maybe... It'll incite some epic lulz Prolly the former to be honest. But oh well... I laughed :)
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Not sure I like it TBH.

Name: Janner
Species: Canine - German Shepherd
Age: 25 in dog years makes him 3.5 in our years
Colouring: Mainly silver sable GSD which blends into traditional browner markings
Distinctive markings: Scar on right hind leg.

Description: Stood against the matt finish of a royal blue sheet of corrugated steel which makes up the south facing wall of a carpet storage warehouse. Large ears ever alert for noises of movement twitch back and forth. The black fur running around their edge contrasting the pink inner lining. With head tilted back slightly his deep black muzzle sniffs the crisp morning air as he breaths slowly, creating a small cloud of mist every time he exhales. A contented smile adorns his mouth, giving the slightest hint of the oystery white teeth inside. Teeth which are rarely bared in anger. In contrast to the burnt umber of the muzzle, which extends up around his eyes and ends in a band of black which marks his brow. The rest of the fur on Janner’s head blends quickly into pale grey.

The silvery white fur that makes up the flack of his neck, waves gently in the morning breeze. As the fur runs further down his front it becomes paler, resulting in a near pure brilliant white on his stomach. In contrast the colourings of his back become darker, giving him a misty silver and black saddle. His tail, currently wagging slowly, as if giving away a small excitement which the rest of his body is trying to hide, keeps in tradition of the rest of his markings, with a misty grey top and very pale underside.

Each of his 4 limbs have a splattering of misty black over the top of their shoulders and hips, but this slowly blends into a more traditional pale brown before ending in well kempt paws and claws. The one exception to this being his right hind leg, which displays from the top of the knee to the digitigrade ankle, a patch of furless scar tissue, hinting at a struggle from times long past.

Infact I think it is the very epitome of wank, and I don't just mean the pants grammar and forced description. Ah well.. enjoy reading :P
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Got home at 2am. I' m finally tired after an hour of winding down. This will give me 2 hours of sleep before I have to be back in for breakfast. Yay!

I shall be the living dead!
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My first excursion, ever. Here's a few hotlinked pictures :)

Photos by Matt_LionCollapse )
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Becoming a pimp dog

Get me a zebraskin jacket, some fat as heck cigars, loads of bling and I'll slam the mondeo on the deck and be running them hizzo's all over the shop.

What say you?!
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This journal has temporarilly been taken over by Alfie the wonder dog. Yes I do have typing skills but you have to forgive the spelling. So here goes....

My life as a clothey...

I thought I was alone in this. Ever since I was born I felt I was different. I never fitted in when I was at doggie school. I was picked on by all the other dogs for not licking my balls and for passing up a tin of pedigree chum for a pizza. Things really came to a head though when I decided I could no longer take a dump in public. While all the other dogs were squeezing one out in the park, I was at home, trying to raise my posteria over the toilet. I thought I was the only one like this, until I discovered this word "clothey". I was watching tv one day and there was a news article about a dog who wouldn't go out in public without a t shirt on. Suddenly I knew I wasn't alone and there was at least one other who understood. I decided to look on the interwebs to try and find like minded dogs. I found a whole myriad of dogs like me and they called themselves clotheys. Dogs who love putting on human clothes, strutting their stuff and forgetting that they don't have opposable thumbs or a tail. For the first time in my 42 doggie years I felt I belonged!

My first meet was interesting. I was nervous at first. I'd heard that some of the other clotheys can be a little gruff. But thankfully everyone was friendly. We started off down the park together, some of the clothes suits were awesome, from full T shirt and Jean get ups to one (Fido, AKA Big Dave) who wore a complete post man's outfit. I was a little under dressed at the time as all I had was a pair of sunglasses, but everyone welcomed me with open paws (Or should I say hands LOL). After we'd had some fun and frolics Big Dave invited me back to his place. He explained about all these different clotheys around the world. He told me all about the seedier side of the fandom. Apparently some clotheys like to "yessss" which means having sex in a clothes suit. It's called yesyes because supposidly that's the noise humans make when they do it. He also showed me some clothey art, They were such cute pictures, although some of it was yesssssy art which at first disturbed me.

The fandom has it's own words for many things, usually related to the real word for it or else it's the noise a human makes when they do it. A few examples

Scratching one another is called "alittlelowerthatsthebastardhellyesing"
Some clotheys have fantasies of working for a living. That's known as "bore"

Myself I consider to be a "clothes shifter" which basically means I feel I'm not a dog inside, I'm a human and I can metamorphasise between the two easily. Big Dave (who's now my partner) says he is Therithing. This means he feels he's got a spiritual connection with humans.

Like I say I've found myself finally and I love being a clothey.

Here's a picture of me in my clothes suit. It's not finished by any means but I love it non the less...

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